Today, April talks about a massively popular topic. It’s also incredibly important to your success in business and life. Following her advice on this topic can slash your stress while boosting your happiness, productivity, and positive impact. But lots of us struggle with it, often because we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. We want to be liked. We hate confrontation and uncomfortable conversations. So what is this massively popular, and very important topic? Boundaries. We all need them. We need to enforce them.
But what are boundaries? What are they for? How do we enforce them? How do you get others to honor your boundaries in a respectful, mutually beneficial way? It’s a good question. One that April answers in this episode of the Winning Mindset Mastery Podcast. Let’s face it: enforcing our boundaries can be scary. Don’t worry. April reveals a simple method to help you build up the courage you need to get people to honor your boundaries. She also talks about a key reason so many people struggle to stand firm when it comes to boundaries and how to respond to that. This is an episode you do not want to miss!
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This “B-Word” Will Make Or Break Your Happiness
In this episode, we are going to talk about something that has gotten massively popular and it is incredibly important. For some people, this can be such a struggle. I say some people, I am or was some people. This was very difficult for me to learn. It’s interesting because sometimes the things that are the most difficult for us to learn are also the most beneficial thing for us to learn.
Without further ado, boundaries. It’s a buzzword. “That violates my boundaries.” You need boundaries if you’re stressed and you’re tired. If you are upset or you feel this, you need boundaries. Maybe no one’s broken down what boundaries are or what they’re for so I’ll do that quickly. Boundaries are your rules and guidelines for dealing with you. If you think about it, there’s not much that we do in life that doesn’t have rules and guidelines for how we should go about doing it.
Boundaries: Boundaries are your rules and guidelines for dealing with you.
Many of us are walking around day in, day out without allowing people to know what our boundaries are. What are the rules and guidelines for interacting with you? Sharing those with people in a kind and direct way will do so much to improve your life and the way that you experience life. Also, improve your relationships and allow you to interact with people who you candidly might avoid right now because you don’t know how to get them to respect your boundaries. There are some tools and techniques that you can use that I’m going to share with you.
The first thing that I have to share with you about boundaries can be hard to wrap your head around because when someone violates your boundaries, it feels like they’re doing something to you. You are allowing them to do that thing to you. You’re the one who has all the power. You’ve got the stop sign. You have the yellow light or the red light. When you think about it, dogs are usually good at boundaries. If you do something they don’t want you to do, they growl, which is like a yellow light boundary. If you keep doing it, they will bite you. That’s a red light boundary. That means, “We are not doing this.”
The important thing for us to do is take that responsibility and understand that it is within our control. Now, just like understanding that we create our life, this has a good side and a side that we do not like as much. The good side is once you realize that you choose, then you have all the power. You don’t have to consult anyone else to make your life better in this way. However, you also have to accept that wherever people have violated boundaries in the past that has bothered you or hurt you, you could have stopped that.
Ultimately, that responsibility lies with you. That can be tough for people. I completely understand that. For me, the fact that I can make it better in the future and I don’t need anyone else to help me with it is so big that I can let go of the fact that, “It was my fault. All good. I will handle that,” because you do choose. I’ll give you an example from my own life where it might not seem like you choose, but you do. It is that I love to help people. I love to give to people. I love to share my time, my resources, whatever it is. That is the juice of life for me. That is what I’m here for.
However, there are times when certain people will ask for more than is reasonable. They will start to assume that they can always have this help and always have my time. Sometimes it’s things that I’m normally compensated for or that I am too busy to do all of the time or any of these things where it doesn’t work for me. I will find myself being irritated or resentful of that person. I’m like, “Hold up, April. You are the one who decides how you spend your time. You’re the one who decides how much you give. If this doesn’t feel good to you, then you need to add a boundary or you didn’t have one in the first place.” Does that make sense? It can be such a nuanced thing, but I’m telling you, it is incredible how it can help you.
You're the one who decides how much you give. Share on XLet’s talk about some examples of boundaries and I’m going to keep them broad so that you can see how they apply to you. A yellow light boundary is like, “This isn’t working for me.” It’s still in a nice, kind way. A red light boundary is either a person who doesn’t respect boundaries, because there are those folks, and that’s why boundaries are there. That’s how you don’t have to suffer from the way that they operate in the world. A red light boundary is like, “Hold up. We are not doing this.”
An example of a yellow light boundary would be if someone was suggesting that you do things that don’t work for you, but you think that they’re not doing it on purpose or maybe they don’t recognize it. A yellow light boundary would sound like, “Can we find some alternatives that work for both of us because this doesn’t work for me and I want to make sure that we find something that works for you and me.” That’s a yellow light boundary. You’re saying, “I’m not going to do this, but I want to work together to find what we can do.”
A red light boundary is my favorite phrase in the world. I like to use this for boundaries. I have lots of favorite phrases, but this is my favorite boundary phrase. I like to use this when I’m having a bad customer service experience. I like to use this when someone needs to understand that I am serious, but I don’t want to come across as mean and terrifying. That phrase is, “That’s not acceptable.” You don’t have to yell it. You don’t have to say it super cheery and nice. You need to say it like you mean it.
It is extremely powerful if you are then silent because the other person is going to have a reaction of some sort. That reaction might be to immediately try and come to an agreement with you of what would be acceptable or they might have a reaction that’s defensive, like what they did wasn’t wrong. In that silence, you will better understand who you are dealing with because that’s where they’re going to have their response and their reaction.
The hardest thing for folks about boundaries is they’re afraid of that other person’s reaction. They don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. They don’t want to get yelled at. They don’t want to deal with the “fallout.” Remember back in episode four, I talked about how it’s not about you and how someone reacts has everything to do with them and their thinking and what’s going on in their life. Same thing for the boundaries.
Boundaries: The hardest thing for folks about boundaries is that they’re afraid of the other person’s reaction. They don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.
See how these build on each other? Remember that someone is going to have a reaction, but that isn’t going to have to do with you. If you can separate yourself from it, you will be much happier for it because you can honor yourself and protect your time, your feelings, your energy, all of these things, and then know exactly who it is you’re dealing with based on how they react.
If you’re sitting there saying, “This is such a great idea, April, but I don’t know how to do it. It sounds scary,” start with something that’s easier for you. If you have a hard time with boundaries at work, start with your family. If you have a hard time with boundaries with your family, start with your friends. If you have a hard time with boundaries with your family and your friends, do it with strangers. Do it with telemarketers. Practice wherever it’s easiest because practicing will make it easier and more comfortable and then you can start to tackle it in the other areas of your life.
Boundaries: Practice setting boundaries wherever it’s easiest because practicing will make it easier and more comfortable, and then you can start to tackle it in other areas of your life.
Also, you’ll get some of those quick hit results and feel and know how much better it is when you’re using them. Give these a try and please reach out and let me know how they work for you. You can always go to the WinningMindsetMasteryPodcast.com website and reach out to me personally in a private message by using the Ask April button at the bottom of the page. I’ll get right back to you personally as well, and I cannot wait to hear from you. Here’s to your success.
Important Links
- Episode Four – Past Episode
