Complaining can often feel like a dirty word, but what if it’s actually the key to unlocking a more empowered mindset? In this episode, April Shprintz challenges the notion that ‘nice girls don’t complain’ and explores how expressing your preferences—rather than suppressing them—can reshape your relationships and mindset. Drawing from personal experiences and mindset work, April introduces the concept of the “Preference Tour 2024,” a journey where speaking up about what you want isn’t just liberating, it’s a game-changer. Join us as we look into how reframing complaints as preferences can lead to a more positive, intentional life.
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How Complaining Can HELP Your Mindset
This question is going to seem a little counterintuitive, but can complaining help your mindset? I grew up in an environment where children were seen and not heard. There weren’t a lot of times when people asked for my opinion. I gave it anyway, but that really wasn’t something we were taught to do. I grew up in the Deep South in the early ‘80s, and that’s just how it was done.
As I got older, I remember getting the feedback of nice girls who didn’t complain. In the military, they had a great policy, which was basically no complaints without solutions. Don’t come tell us something that’s wrong unless you have suggestions for how to fix it, which I really believe in and I think is great. All of these things, however, really enforced for me, even before mindset was a big thing, that you don’t talk about things that are bothering you or causing issues. You just handle it or deal with it. In a lot of cases, what I was doing was just holding on to things that bothered me.
What I have found in doing the mindset work that I’ve done is that holding on to those sorts of things actually makes you think of them more. If you don’t believe me, try this, don’t think of a pink elephant. Did you think of one? You know you did. You’re probably still thinking of it. When you try not to think of something, you end up thinking about it even more. How many times have you been really irked by something someone did, and you just think about it and think about it? You’re not saying anything, but you keep thinking about it.
Stating Your Preferences
A friend of mine reframed my idea about not complaining and said, “What if you look at it as stating your preferences?” That was a game-changer for me. I was like, wait a minute. If instead of holding on to these things, I just state my preferences, that’s going to help me stay in a better mindset because I’m not going to dwell on things I don’t want because we all know we get what we focus on. Also, if I state my preferences, that allows people to show up for me, to choose to help me with the things that matter to me, to choose to behave in a way that is more conducive to us having a better friendship, a better relationship.
Also, if you state your preferences and someone isn’t behaving in that way, this isn’t about controlling people, but let’s say, for example, and this is a preference I used with a very close friend of mine, I said, “My preference is for you to appreciate what I do for you,” when I felt like they weren’t being as grateful as they could have been. He said, “I didn’t even notice. Of course, I’m grateful.” That allowed him to show up in a different way and be more mindful of what was going on. If it had gone the other way, it might have shown me that the person wasn’t for me.
If you state a preference like, “My preference is that if you’re going to be an hour late to dinner, you call and tell me,” or “My preference is that you don’t talk about other people in a negative way around me,” the people who don’t align with those preferences or who violate your boundaries aren’t for you.
The people who don't align with your preferences or who violate your boundaries aren't for you. Share on XPreference Tour 2024
I want you to think about this. I decided in the month of August, a little late, but it is what it is, to have a preference tour 2024. This means that instead of holding on to things that bother me, I state them as a preference in a way that lets people around me, or even life in general, know what it is that I want. This way, you can get more of what you want instead of more of what you don’t want.
Again, it’s late in the year, but I’m going after it big time. I really encourage you, instead of complaining or holding on to complaints, because that’s not positive thinking, which really leads you to focus on things you don’t want, to join me on this preference tour 2024. State to yourself, state in your journal, state to the world, and state to the people that matter to you what it is that you want, because what I want more than anything is for you to get every single one of those things. Here’s to your success.